tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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