I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
