He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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