Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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