Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
