grandma shit on top of the toilet
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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