I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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