If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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