i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
