Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
