So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
