Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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