She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
