Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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