just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
