If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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