awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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