You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
