I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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