I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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