atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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