my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
