WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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