Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
