I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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