You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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