im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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