Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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