when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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