Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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