Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
