feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When are your genitals available?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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