Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
