Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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