What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
