but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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