This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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