Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
