i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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