Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
