Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
