Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need a beard to bite.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
