Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
