I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
