Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
