Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
