The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
