people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
