Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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