forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
