just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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