i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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