Screwed.edu
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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