So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
