I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
