I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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