Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
