god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
True strength comes from lack of pants
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
