Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
